Ditzy Sister

My sister had a blonde moment yesterday. Either that or she leads a completely unexposed life. Yesterday, as we were driving in to work, this was our conversation:

Sis: What's a gyro? (she pronounced it gai-ro)

Me: It's not a gai-ro, it's a gyro. (prounced eu-ro)

Sis: Isn't a euro european money?

Me: :sigh: No, E-U-R-O is european money. G-Y-R-O is a greek food dish, you know, that thing in the picture in the sign that you just read.

Sis: Oh, hahahaha. So dumb.

Me: Yeah, so dumb that you just made it into my blog this week.

Sis: Great. Thanks. Now everybody's gonna know I said that.

Me: Uh yeah, pretty much.

On a side note, I got pretty drunk this weekend and I don't know how it happened. Well, of course I KNOW how it happened, but I didn't think I was that drunk until I laid in bed and it all started spinning around. Gotta love the Mai Tai bar. Keep those pitchers coming! Oh, and if you do go to Mai Tai and use the bathroom at Bubba Gump's, be really nice to the Nana that cleans the girls bathroom. She's a super sweet lady and cleans up after all you drunk bitches without a complaint. Remember, tipping is not just a city in China!

Love the Tattoo Style

I totally love the style of this tattoo. It's beautifully feminine but kind of deranged at the same time. I'm liking it! Gives me some ideas for the next tattoo...hmmm....

Delectable Dude Thursdays - "Crappy Reality TV Show Hottie"

My Antonio...doesn't totally suck but it's not something I wait with baited breath to watch. That is one very attractive italian man. I mean, admit it...he's a panty dropper. The perfect form to match that handsome, chiseled face. And that smile...:sigh: He is definitely the hottest man to ever hit reality TV which is why, I don't understand he can't find a good woman. I mean if Antonio Sabato Jr. can't find a good woman, what kind of chance do other normal, non-God-like people have?

What Your Drink Says About You - Sex on The Beach

SEX ON THE BEACH

Probable Hobby:
Very literally, having sex on beaches.

What Your Drink Says:
"I am [between the ages of 18 and 20/40 and 45], and I order drinks with provocative names because I haven't experienced sex [ever/in a while]. I am under the mistaken belief that potential sexual partners will [be turned on/take pity on me] upon hearing the word 'sex' in conjunction with my drink order. I am [very/extremely/mind bogglingly] lonely."

(stole this from http://www.cracked.com/)

Heck No Gidiot!

I have a very adorable 2 year old nephew who has been, um, picking up my bad language habits. My sister says its all my fault but I never had to censor myself before so sometimes it's super difficult to watch what I say. The other day, I was driving in traffic and of course I have road rage so I called a car that cut into my lane an idiot. Next thing I know, the little runt in the back is asking me, "Aunty, that car was a gidiot?" I had to bust out laughing but I said "Yeah, it was." I didn't know if I should have told him not to say the word at all or should I have corrected him on the pronounciation. The whole child rearing thing is really complicated. Not that I'm rearing him but I do have to watch over him every afternoon so that's as close to motherhood as I want to get right now.

Some of the doozies that my nephew has been heard repeating (all from my careful instruction of course).

Heck No! - he doesn't in this cutesy 2 year old kinda high pitched voice that you just have to laugh when you hear it...unless it's when you ask him if you can have a gummi bear and he says Heeeeckkkk No! super-loud and repeatedly.

Peace Out Homie - he's 1/4 black so gotta get him rollin' w/the ebonics

Peace! - w/the 2 finger peace sign.

Wassup playa! - again, he's 1/4 black. LoL.

Deuces - again w/the 2 fingers up.

Brah, you like cracks? - ummm yeah, he's naughty so he gets threatened with spanking a lot. So sometimes, he repeats the phrase to other people.

Toodleloo - eh, I hang around with muffs too so sometimes the mahu language comes out.

Shaka to your tutu - don't ask me where the hell I got this from, but when my neighbor heard him saying it the other day, he had to bust out laughing because his daughter called him a "Rotten Buggah" the day before that. He said we have to pass our literary language on to the young'uns.

Damn Kid - like I said, he's naughty! He called my sister a damn kid the other day. It was super funny.

I'm sure as the days pass, he'll pick up even more, worse slang from me. Stay tuned!

Interesting Cat Tattoo!

Yeah, I mean what more can you say about this tattoo except...wow. That guy is ballsy. So if he starts developing more of a beer belly...the hole gets bigger and bigger. He must have lost a bet or something...because that is kinda jacked!

You get wipes?

I just found out that N may not be joining the party because she has these anxiety attacks and so she doesn't want to be stuck on the plane with nowhere to go and flip out. I personally would be highly entertained by her wiggin' out on the plane...makes me sound like a horrible friend but you know what, it would be super funny after the fact. She's only 33 years old and she's like a damn walking medical problem. She has the anxiety and then sometimes she has hard time breathing and then there was that one time she had this ringing in her ear. It was a constant ring so she tried that ear candling thing and then she felt like her ear was stuck, so she had to go to the doctor. It just so happens the doctor had like a nurse's aide in her office that N thought was hot and surpriiiise, he was the one who had to assist her. He made her hang her head over the sink so he could rinse her ears out and lo' and behold, what came out, some pieces of black waxy looking crap. Yeah, ear candling, sounds mental now yeah?!

Come to think of it, N also went to the doctor one time thinking that she only had to go for blood test and when the cute guy handed her the gown she was like, what the hell is this? He said, uh, you have a gynecology appointment. She was like, oh shit, can I go home and take a shower first and he said, I don't think you have time. So then she asked him, oh, you guys have wipes or something I can use before my appointment. Hello, why don't you put a big sign on your forehead that says "I have stink ching ching".

She isn't the smoothest operator, but even after all that, he did go out with her a couple of times until she started avoiding his kisses and was yucked out by him. SHE was yucked out by HIM and she was the one that wanted the wipes. Go figure.

Delectable Dude Thursday - "The Biggest Pinoy Ever" Hottie

Is this man not the largest filipino you ever saw? Damn, damn, damn...that is a whoooole lot of man. Yes, this man is part filipino. You never thought they made filipino guys that big huh? Me neither so imagine my shock that Batista, a man I found quite...large and in charge, was filipino.

Ok, for those of you what are wrestling retarded, the displayed specimen this week is Batista from WWE wrestling. His real name is David Michael Bautista, Jr. He is 39 years old and is a former World Heavyweight Champion in the WWE.

You know, imagine if his man-package is as big as the rest of him. Holy smokes, that would be like the anaconda from the move Anaconda. You could curl up with his man package at the end of a long day and it would rub your head. Uggh, totally gross visual.

I know, some of you are going to give me shit about this weeks man candy but you know what, I don't give an anaconda's ass, cause this is my blog and I think he's grrrrowl. And, he looks like he could actually lift my fat ass up. :)

Oh and last but not least, if you do not have a body even somewhat close to the man pictured above, do not EVER, EVER, EVER wear a speedo. Don't even think about wearing a speedo. There you go, your lesson for today.

Fave Beer: Amber Bock

Oh, Amber Bock, it was only 5 or so years ago that we met and it was love at first taste. I remember my first taste of it. We were seated on some shitty bar chair at Magoo's on a hot Friday night drinking Bud Light. Magoo's was our favorite Friday night hangout. $5 pitchers of Bud Light, awesome pizza and french fries. A mixture of all ages in probably the diviest bar in town. (I actually saw a skinny guy fall because the legs of his chair just bent and broke off, that's how high class the furniture is, can you imagine the rest?) They probably had the most craptacular bathrooms that would flood so bad it would leak out of the bathroom and onto the bar floor where people were sitting of course. You'd think with a description like that, I'd hate Magoo's but it was probably my favorite dive bar/pizza parlor.

It was in this pristine setting that we were sitting at a table next to these two guys that were drinking a pitcher of dark beer. Me, being the completely anti-social type said "Excuse me, excuse me" while waving my hand in the air. "What are you drinking? Is it good? How much is it?" One of the guys said, "It's Amber Bock. It's awesome and it's only $6.00. Would you like to try some." I said "Shoots!" Who am I to turn down free beer?

After the first taste, it was all over. The beer was so smooth and yummy as it hit my tongue and slid down my throat. Who ever would have thought that a dark beer would taste so smooth, so bitter free. Love I tell you, it was love at first taste.

On another side note, one of those guys that was sitting there was pretty attractive - tall, white and handsome. He had a steady job at the bank. He had good hygiene and was dressed good enough - not too ghetto but not gay fabulous - the happy in between medium. The best part of all, he had the balls to ask my friend, I'm not gonna say her name...DEBRA...for her number and if she'd like to go out. She gave him her number and then completely gave him the shaft after that. He seemed like a good catch and she was just way too much of a panty to take a chance.

Today's lessons: Amber Bock is the bomb diggity and when a cute boy asks you for your number and to go out - don't be a fricken' scared panty - go out on at least one damn date or you'll be kicking yourself in the ass later.

Don't Buy Discount Goldfish

The other day was Tevita's birthday (friend's kid) and he had told us that he wanted a pet for his birthday. His mom would never let him have a dog or cat so he said he wanted a fish. His mom still said no animals...but I'm an aunty, we can't let a little thing like rules prevent us from spoiling the kids.

Anyways, I was hunting down books on Saturday morning at garage sales (yes I know, I'm completely book chronic right now) and I went to a garage sale in Manoa. Unfortunately, there were no books but they were selling two goldfish in separate tanks for only 5 bucks. I called my friend and said that I was coming over with part of her kid's birthday present. When he saw the fish, he was soooo excited. They named him Panyo after some movie and he really seemed to have enjoyed the present. This was on Saturday.

On Sunday evening after his birthday party, my cell phone is ringing with his mom's number. As soon as I say "Hello", I hear a frantic kid's voice on the other line yelling "Aunty, the fish died, Panyo died, the fish is dead. When we came home from the party he was DEAD!!!" I thought he was messing with me and so I asked him to talk to his mom. His mom comes on the phone and said, "Yep, the fish is dead. He's traumatized" Then she proceeds to bust out laughing. I was like, shut the hell up. I did tell her to stop laughing but she couldn't help it, she was busting a gut.

I felt sooooo bad. I told her to tell him that I would take him to the pet store to get another fish or a couple of fish. Full price this time! No more busted ass, discount, garage sale fish.

***Update. I spoke with my other friend, the kid's aunty and she said that on Sunday night, he was sitting in the living room all sad. When she told him I would buy him a new fish he said that he didn't want one because he couldn't take care of it. He said that the fish died because he wasn't home to feed it lunch and since he has school, he can't give the fish lunch everyday. I am the worst aunty in the world. Maybe a super duper banana split with a gajillion cherries on top will fix it. I am seriously wracked with guilt. I've traumatized a 6 year-old FOREVER. Damn that garage sale fish!

Moke-bonics...The New Pidgin'

I was talking to a local attorney I know...let's call him Mad Tiger (one of these days I'll post the Mad Tiger Jiu-jitsu Blog)...and we somehow got on the subject of how local guys talk. I'm talking like a full on loco shmoko kind of guy. What is loco shmoko you ask? Let me drop some knowledge for you. In MY Dictionary, loco shmoko is a guy that is sooo local, you can't just call them a moke, they're a loco shmoko. See, you learn something new everyday.

There are more than a few things that loco shmoko guys say that really, can only be understood by local people. If you're a transplant that's been living here for a long time but you only hang out with non-locals, you wouldn't understand either. Loko shmoko guys have their own language, it's called Moke-bonics. It's like an english dialect but can be difficult to understand if you're not familiar with it. Lemme give you some pointers.

Brah, braddah, bull, cuz, bullay (mokebonics) = homie, bro (ebonics) = dude (surfbonics) = friend (english).

Spahk (mokebonics) = Peep (ebonics) = see (english)
ex. Ho cuz, you when spahk dat chick ovah dea? (mokebonics)
Wassup homie, did you peep that honey? (ebonics)
Hey Alfred, that sure was an attractive woman over there. (Dork English)

No make (mokebonics) = Don't play (ebonics) = Don't do that (english)

If can, can, but if no can, no can (mokebonics) = There is really no ebonic equal to this that I'm aware of - but just means if you can do it, please do but if you can't then it's ok too.

That's all the knowledge I've got for today. My brain hurts now. I need a beer...but not a green bottle. ;)

Flipper Tits

I went to my friend's kid's soccer game yesterday...I am totally NOT soccer mom material. First of all, it was hot as fricken hell and then, there were so damn much kiddy family stuff. Man, can't even smoke a cigarette in peace. I'm sure the plethora of tattoos I possess makes me seem like a sideshow freak...just the way I like it.

There was this one lady that was acting like...super mom. She was about 40 and had about 3 or 4 kids and she was NOT wearing a bra. Her tits were flapping around like flipper on crack. C'mon lady, how can you not feel those things slapping your sides and stomach. The only boobs that should be allowed unfettered in public should be ones that were made by Dupont.

Remember, Flipper was cute but flipper tits are not.

N-H-O

If you don't know what NHO is, it is a Nipple Hard On. I have this one co-worker and his nips are perpetually hard. He always wears these fast dry microfiber type Nike golf shirts. The damn things are so thin that we can always tell he's cold or excited. I'm not the only one that noticed the nips, everyone is always asking him, "What brah, you cold?" I'm going to buy him some breast pads so he can tape them over his nipples. The damn things are distracting I tell you.

Since we're on the topic of man nips, I had a friend in college and he had a 3rd nipple. Totally freaky. We used to call him triple nipple. I would always introduce, "This is my friend E, he has 3 nipples. You like see?" He kind of hated that, but then again, those people never forgot E of the 3 nipples.

Super Cool Spidey Tatt!

Just wanted to share a tattoo with you that I saw on the internet. How fricken cool is that? I don't even know what this guys face looks like but I'd do him.

Delectable Dude Thursday - The Rapper Hottie

Ladies Love Cool J and believe me...this lady does! I know a few ladies that are married that have agreements with their husbands that they'd get a free pass if they were to have an affair if it was LL Cool J that they were having an affair with! Can you imagine, you get LL all to yourself. The things I'd do to that man is completely making me sweaty right now.

From his extremely luscious, sexy lips. Look at those lips ladies, how could you not want that on your body. LL also probably has the hottest and most recognizable abs in the U.S. I'm just imagining what my fingers would be like rubbing down that washboard stomach. Sweating more. Hope you enjoyed this weeks hot guy...I'm going to take a very, very cold shower.

Phrases for My Tombstone

There are many sayings that I notice come out of my mouth. Some nice, some not so nice. I'm just previewing some for you because...well, basically half the shit that comes out of my mouth is stoooopid. LoL.

"Shut the hell up." - This usually happens when someone says something dumb and then I get annoyed. Another scenario is if someone told me something super scandalous and I just can't believe it. My co-worker said that this was going to be one of the phrases on my tombstone.

"Hell no!" - He said that this was going to be the other phrase on my tombstone. I guess I use it so much, my 2-year old nephew has been saying it...well the better version - heck no, but still, we all know the source. I'm pretty much the source for most of his bad language.

"I really want to punch your face right now." - It's possible that I have agressiveness and anger issues but it doesn't seem to bother me anyway. This saying usually emerges when someone irritates me...which happens alot.

"You are so fricken dumb." - or stupid. I say this because sometimes, the people I know are so fricken dumb or stupid. Yes, you, reading this blog. I love you anyway, but you still are so fricken dumb sometimes.

That's all I have for now because I should be working and yet I blog. Oh for the love of blog.

Die L-O-L Smiley Face

I really, really hate that song L-O-L Smiley Face. What the fricken hell? That song sucks donkey balls. Excuse me while I smash the clock radio in front of me. I'd rather have a Po-po-po-poker face, po-po-poker face. Ha! I made a funny. I'm so fricken dumb.

Soul Signature Tattoo Rocks!!!! Pt. 2

Yay! Finished my tattoo. I love it. The colors are awesome and you can't even see (right now) what was underneath. Jesico did an awesome job as usual and also as usual, much hilarity going on at the tattoo parlor. I love that place. I do have one more touch up session in a month or two. Bring on the pain. Now I can't wait to figure out what I'm getting next. Thanks Jesico of Soul Signature Tattoo for the mucho awesome tattoo, thanks Javier for the best birthday present ever and thanks Tin for singing butterfly on my shoulder so that the damn song was stuck in my head all day.

Almost a Can of Whoopass

The other night, there was a couple in my neighborhood that were going at it...no pervs, not oofing, they were fighting. It seemed like it happened in rounds. I would hear yelling, than nothing for a couple minutes, then a lot of yelling and then nothing. Actually, I could only hear the girl yelling. I'll recap the conversation for you and I'm :beep:ing out the swear words...because it was ALOT of swearing, even for me. I'm making up what I think the guy was saying because I couldn't hear him at all.

conversation code: duck = fuck

Guy: Uh hon, I gotta tell you something. You know that discoloration on my boto yesterday, uh, well, I think it's an STD.
Girl: What?! And who the duck you was ducking you ducken asshole.
Guy: Babe, no get all nuts. Was long time ago and I was all drunk. Remember that night I went out with Kimo them, when we was beefing and you when sleep at yo madda's house?
Girl: Oh, so what? You go out with Kimo them and we fighting so you think you can duck odda
chicks? Hah you duckah. Who the duck is that ducken bitch. Wot, you still talk to her you ducken asshole? You one ducken mother ducken asshole, you know that?
Guy: Hon, she neva mean nothing to me. Was only that one time, I swear. I love YOU and I don't even know who that chic was. I was all :beep:en bus' that night that I don't know what I was doing.
Girl: (getting even more heated now) Duck you you ducken stupid motha ducken asshole motha duckah! Why you no call that :beep:(she used the c word that you never call a girl that rhymes with hunt) and be with her then hah? You like duck that dirty bitch. Stick your dirty, rotten, discolored :beep: (c word for male body part that rhymes with dock) in that ducken bitch.
Guy: Babe, I'm sorry. I love you. (tries to hug her)
Girl: Get the duck off me. Duck you. Duck you and duck you!

...then the popo came and that was the end of the fighting. I don't think I have what they said verbatim but you get the gist. I had to turn off my bedroom light so they wouldn't see me standing by the window listening. I wasn't the only one, my neighbor told me he did the same thing.

How's us? So damn niele. Too bad, I couldn't help myself, it was almost better than TV. Almost.

Won a Trip to Vegas - Need a Girl to Oof

That is the what I'm advertising on here. Before you get all grossed out, it's not for me. It's for a fricken dumb but nice in a sarcastic way friend. He did actually win a trip to Vegas, lucky bastard. So when I asked him who he was going to take, he said "I dunno, I need a date." I told him to take this girl that is one of his good friends and he said, "I want to take somebody I can hump." I was actually speechless for 2 seconds. Yes, a whole 2 seconds, can you believe it? I had to do a double take and ask him to repeat himself.

I tried my hardest to convince him to take someone who is just a friend. If he takes a humping girl, then he has to stay with that humping girl the WHOLE time. He can't do anything he wants to do because cmon, face it. Guys are a slave to the punani. They really are. I told him that if he went with friends, he could find a humping girl or 2 or 3. **Disclaimer - I do not always promote whorish behavior. I only promote it sometimes.** He wasn't buying my shtick so I told him I'd promote his cause on my blog.

So, if you know any attractive, smart, single women that like kids, please send them to Pauahi Tower downtown at about 11:30 a.m. He'll be taking applicants all week next week in the courtyard area. Just look for the guy with the sign around his neck that says, "Like Oof?"

You Got the Right Stuff Baby!

I can't get that damn New Kids on the Block song out of my head. I don't know why I'm even thinking about it, it's not like a I saw some VH1 special on them or anything like that. NKOTB was my first concert I went to without the 'rents. Can you believe it? It was NKOTB, Escape and BBC. Oh God, now the song "Sweet Okole" is stuck in my head. Sweet okole, sweet, sweet okole. LMAO.

I know every one of you had a favorite, and I have to admit, I was totally gaga over Jordan Knight. I am soooo embarassed to admit to a short-lived NKOTB obsession. I bought all the magazines - Bop and Tiger Beat. God, I was so fricken' gay!

I am so above that now, I don't buy magazines, I just google image hot guys and drool all over my keyboard. And no, it's not NKOTB anymore...jeez, did you not see Tatum Channing in the last post!

Delectable Dude Thursdays - "I Want to Have Your Babies" Hottie!!

I had a friend that used to send out emails to his other skebe, lecherous friends. He used to call those emails Girl Friday and he would send out a picture of some random hot girl. I find that totally piggish and gross...so to fight back, I've officially renamed Thursday - Delectable Dude Thursday. I had also considered the title "Guys I Would Cheat For Thursday" but I thought that would be a bit pushing it. Since I already posted that blog about Thiago Silva last week Thursday, I decided that we might as well make it a routine Thursday thing...until I get bored of it of course (which could be by next week).

As you can see, our delectable dude today is all that and a bag of chips. Don't you just want to wash your clothes on his abs. I would so like to do more than that to him. The man is sexy, sexy, sexy and more sexy with a cherry on top. Can he act? Uh...who cares...he's fricken hot! Don't you want to just bite his plump, succulent, juicy lips...amongst other things.

Tatum Channing is my "I want to have your babies" hottie. Yes, this man could make some seriously beautfiul children and a very happy baby mama. It just seems like he knows his way around the bedroom and with those dancing skills, he could do a strip tease for me anytime. Tatum...a girl can dream can't she?

Donkey Balls..Mmmm.

Big, juicy dark donkey balls. Grrrr.

So I'm going to the Big Island in September and for some reason I thought of Donkey Balls because I swear I see that huge ass sign every time I go home. The posse and I will be heading to Kona on the 18th for some good times and good fun. Mai's brother is getting married so you know what that means...party, party, party. Let's hope that doesn't translate into barfy, barfy, barfy.

Hope you like the donkey balls visual. I've actually never tasted a donkey ball but I've always wondered what they taste like. 1st Kona adventure, Donkey Ball tasting. I am so getting me a cheeseburger from Sandy's and porkchops from Manago's. Hopefully I'll have some fun-filled, drunken pictures for you when I get back!