Delectable Dude Thursday - "Aye Aye Captain Hottie"

I really love Johnny Depp. I loved him in 12 Jump Street, I loved him in Edward Scissorhands, I loved him in the Pirates series. I just love him. He has this smoldering, tortured look on his beautiful face. His face is...beautiful. To call him hot would be an insult (although he is totally hot). He is more. Just looking at him you see that he has all this depth to him. Like his soul is tortured, kind of the look that real artists have. Love me some Johnny and I figure, why not end the year with a bang...ha, I wish!

So Fun, He Had to Pass Out

Christmas Day this year didn't start out typical. I remember as a kid, waking up at the crack of dawn to open all my Christmas presents. So, I got up early on Christmas morning this year, thinking my nephews were going to be over-anxious about opening their presents. Apparently, they all felt sleep was more important. Only my sister and I were up at 5 a.m. Grams - sleeping. Mom - sleeping. 4 nephews (11, 6, 4, 2) - all sleeping. Niece - sleeping. Siblings - sleeping, snoring. My sister and I kind of looked at each other like...well, what are we gonna do. Everybody is still sleeping and show no signs of stirring. Do you know what time the kids finally got up (because I woke them up) - 7:30! What kind of kid wakes up so damn late on Christmas morning? It's Christmas - the presents are like, calling your name. After the joy of all the boys tearing through their presents, and my niece opening one present and being totally over it. (She's one so she gets a pass) We all had a nice Christmas breakfast and needed to get started since we were having a family get-together around lunchish.
Around 11ish, my uncles start showing up. Uncle Shane first with his gf Paula. Then Uncle Sam and Aunty Tori arrive around noon. When I see my Uncle Sam, I notice that the3 middle fingers of his left hand are bandaged (if that's what you could call it). It looked like some cut up gauze taped up with fricken' duct tape. Knowing my uncle, I was not surprised. He had cut his fingers while using a chainsaw to cut up some wood. My uncle, being a guy's guy is attempting to man up and refusing to seek medical attention and is insistent that his "duct tape" job is fine. Luckily, Paula is a RN and so she inspected his fingers. Sure enough, there was dried blood all over his fingers and the cuts were pretty deep. She recommended stitches which he declined so she told him that she would need to clean it. She started scrubbing at it with soap and water first to get out any dirt (I mean, she really scrubbed it). I think my uncle wanted to cry in pain...but you know, gotta man up so he sucked it in. Then was the peroxide. Then she rebandaged his fingers and 5 minutes after that, he was walking behind my cousin and BOOM, he fell to his knees and fell forward onto my cousins back. He passed the frick out! Luckily my cousin was standing right in front of him otherwise he would have needed a Dentist, Regular Doctor and a Plastic Surgeon because he would have ended flat on his face. Me being the astute observer that I am, saw him fall and thought he was joking so continued to sit there and do nothing at first. Then I saw the panic on my cousins face and raced (yes, I raced) over to the phone and dialed 911. My other uncles put him on the sofa where he eventually woke up and insisted he was fine. Hmmm...fine people don't just pass out in the middle of walking to the table. Fine people don't have 3 of the 5 fingers on their left hand bandaged up. Luckily, when he was fully awake, he was not disoriented and Paula thinks he fainted because of the trauma she caused scrubbing his finger. 911 was advised that no ambulance needed.
Many lessons learned on Christmas. Beer really does calm you down after you've been in a panic. If I put my mind to it, I can run pretty fast. Don't ever try to cut wood one-handed using a chainsaw. Manly men faint too. Paula finally got a Domingo man on his knees in front of her. All in all, Christmas pretty much rocked. What would a family Christmas be without a little drama?

Turn Up the Volume

I think I'm still recovering from the being at home for Christmas. No, not hangover kind recover, just that, well, I love my family. I wouldn't trade them for any family in the world, but damn, they can sure tire a person out. First there's my Grandma. She is the calmest, mellowest lady in the world...but she's seriously going deaf. I hate to feel like I'm yelling at her but I am because she can't hear! Lol. I'm not laughing that my grams is going deaf, but sometimes, she sure comes up with creative answers to my questions:

Me: Gram, you want something to drink?
Gram: Oh no, I already washed the dishes in the sink.
Me: (Louder) Gram, I said, do you want something to drink?
Gram: No, I told you, I already washed the dishes in the sink.
Me: (Making motions with my hands of pouring liquid into a cup and drinking and then pointing at her) You want?!
Gram: Hahaha. Oh, no, I'm fine.

Well, you may be laughing now, because you weren't the one there trying to be nice and get you grandma a drink while she was insistent that she had washed all the dishes in the sink. :sigh: Is this my future? Tri-focals and hearing aids. I think my Grams can actually hear and she's just fucking with me because after all, in your old age, there can't be much that entertains you. Making your 30-something year-old granddaughter frazzled is probably high up on the list of etertaining events for the day. Or, it could be bachi for all those times when my Grandpa used to grumble and she chose to tune him out.

If you found this entertaining, that was less than 5 minutes of nearly 72 hours spent with my family. Wait till you hear the rest!

Merry Christmas Nut Huggers!

I am writing this blog on Christmas Eve, contemplating what I need to do today and instead of doing it, I'm still writing this blog. I have presents that still need to be wrapped, work that needs to be done and yet, I write. I have not been real dilligent lately about upkeeping my blog, and I miss it. Whenever something happens, I always say, I have to blog about it and I never do. Now, I can't remember what the hell those things were. I may have to tap the younger brain of my sister to remember the things that I was going to blog about.

I think I'm going to start adding into my blogs some interesting things I saw in the day. For instance, as I was downstairs chugging on my cancer stick, I saw this short japanese guy (who seemed like he had little big-man syndrome, you know the type). He was kind of walking like he had doo doo in his pants but maybe that's just the way he walks. I was noticing from a distance that his pants was looking shiny, then as he got closer, I was like wow, those are some shiny nut huggers he has on. The damn pants was so tight, I think that's why he was walking funny because must have been squeezing all his equipment. I admit, I was busting out laughing. He must not have a girlfriend because if my boyfriend was wearing that, I would tell him, HELLLLL NO. I don't even let him walk out of the house with clothes that doesn't match. I can't be responsible for what he wears when I'm not around.

On that happy thought, wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas and if I don't get to blog before then, Happy New Year. Now, time to party.

Clementines v. Tangerines

Today, my office had a very serious discussion on clementines vs. tangerines. There was heated discussion that clementines were a brand of tangerines like the cuties brand. Being the google-queen that I am, I just opted to google it, and you know what, you learn something new everyday.

Clementines and tangerines are members of the mandarin family which is in a class of oranges that are flatters on the top and bottom. Clementines are seedless and are the smallest of the mandarins. They are also very orange and easy to peel. Tangerines are of a lighter orange color and can contain seeds. The flavor is also more tart than a clementine.

How's me, dropping some knowledge! God, I love Google.

The Lone Long Chin Hair

So today, I'm at work and heading towards the elevator in my building when I get stopped by this guy asking me if I knew what floor HBM was on. As he comes closer, I see this loooooong ass hair protruding from under his chin. At first I'm thinking, I need to get my eyes checked. Then he comes closer and I can't help but stare. It was a lone hair coming out of the bottom of his chin that was probably a foot long (I shit you not!) I just checked a ruler to make sure. So he's asking me some questions and I totally spaz out and keep staring at the hair and I don't answer him. I must have said "Huh?" or "What?" because I think he repeated the question. I kept thinking to myself...holy shit, holy shit, that is the longest lone chin hair I've ever seen in my life! I just told the guy, "Oh, I dunno" and forced myself to stop staring at the chin hair and booked it to the elevator. Then I'm cracking up to myself in the elevator because that guy must have thought I was retarded and because the phrase, "Not by the foot-long, lone hair of my chinny chin chin".

Knowledge from Soul Signature Tattoo

I occasionally like to drop in on Soul Signature's website to see what's going on at the shop and they usually have very entertaining blogs. Stopped in at their website this morning and Lucky posted a brief history of the polynesian tattoo - in the modern tattoo world. For myself, based on that information, I feel kind of priveleged to have received a tattoo at New Tribal Tattoo many years ago when it was open. It was very informative and really makes me respect the shop and the artists there even more than I already did before. Hey, what can I say, I'm a total fan of Soul Signature for both the art coming out and the entertainment factor while I'm there. I can honestly say, I've never been bored there.

If I didn't mention, Lucky is one of the rad artists that works there, and my male hair dresser wants to jump his bones. Don't get the wrong idea peeps, although I like to tease him and Jesico about their hot, monkey sex, he's not riding the bologna pony. Well, he says he's not.

I want another tattoo already. But then again, I always want another tattoo. If you're serious about getting a tattoo, you should really at least swing by the shop and check it out. Some of the stuff I've seen coming out of that shop is...crazy. Crazy good though. It always makes me wish that I had some artistic talent which is totally nil in my case. The best I can say is I have nice handwriting...I know, sad.

And no, I don't get any benefit from giving Soul Signature props. I just want to make sure that I do my part to help them continue to stay in business since I know I'll be back in there again some day soon.

First Cock Coozys, Now Willie Warmers

okay, I found this after I found the Cock Coozy. A Willie Warmer...really? A Willie Warmer. Do these people have literally nothing else to do with their time. Now this one, I really have to give you the description for:

"Description

***Free shipping to anywhere in the Continental US!!***

Au natural crocheted "Willie Warmer". Makes a fun and unusual gift....can actually be worn. Because.....there is nothing worse than a cold willie. I decided to do a line in more natural colors....pubes included. There are more "au natual" Willie Warmers to come.

Fits average size male....if you'd like specifics please convo me. I also make an "extra large" size Willie Warmer.

I can make these in any combination of colors, stripes...black/yellow, black/turquoise (as shown in photo), black/red, black/white. Multi colored, solid colors....the sky is the limit.Convo me and we'll discuss the possibilities."

I think I laughed harder and harder as I read each line. "pubes included" almost killed me. She has a line? A freakin' line of willie warmers. Are there that many people out there with cold ding-dings? What happened to say...long johns. Is your boto the sole appendage sticking out that you need something specific to keep it warm? I know, I know, I'm beating a dead horse here...but I can't help myself. Makes me feel better about myself I guess. Yes, there is someone out there more demented than me, and she's an entrepeneur.

Delectable Dude Thursday: New Moon Hottie

With all the hype of New Moon coming out tomorrow and the fact that I think Taylor Lautner is a total cutie, I decided to check out some of the stuff coming out on the movie. And bam, I found this week's hot hottieness. While I still think Taylor (Jacob Black) is cute and Rob Pattinson is attractive in a totally pale kind of way...Alex Meraz is SMOKIN' HOT! He plays Paul (one of the Quileute Werewolves in the movie.) I am officially now on Team Paul. Sorry Team Jacob, but Team Paul blows you way, way, way out of the water.

I feel a little lecherous at this moment cause the kid is like 10 years younger than me, but then I thought...SO FRICKEN' WHAT! He's hot, I have lust, so is life. Check him out ladies, in his shirtless glory in New Moon coming out 11/20. I'm just going to download pictures of him and drool over them. Anybody want to join Team Paul, you know he's the hottest one in the movie.

Xmas Must Have: Cock Coozy

That's right...I said it, cock coozy. Found this wonderful item on...you guessed it, etsy.com. I'm telling you the sell some of the best (and worst) shit I've ever seen on. Lemme fill you in on the description.

"Description

Wrap your favorite toy in warmth. This rainbow Cock Coozy measures 6 and 1/2 inches long and stretches to fit width (within reason). It's the perfect size for the standard vibrator and works best with plastic, glass, and wooden toys. It's a bit tougher to glide onto rubber toys.

Please contact me with any questions.

Hand wash cold with mild soap. Lay flat to dry.

Put a cover on your lover!"

I swear to God that I didn't make up this description. That was actually the description of the item. I totally swear. Not even i can make up something that fricken funny.

This is good for wood vibrators? Who the hell is using a wood vibrator? Imagine that then having to go the hospital and explain to the doctor how you got splinters in your ching? LMFAO.

Love, love, love etsy.com. Cock coozies definitely improve my mood.

I Want J-Lo's Hair

Not Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Love-Hewitt. My sister has been addicted to Ghost Whisperer lately. I mean literally, the DVR is filled Ghost Whisperer re-runs fry We TV...on a side note, what is the deal with her being in love with the Lifetime network channels. Damn, it's so van-driving housewife or old lady living with a million cats. I digress as usual. All I can say is that I love J Love's hair. I mean damn...how often do you see a hot, antique-owner that sees ghosts and helps them cross over to the light. Not to mention, sister friend wears stiletto platforms everyday. Who the hell runs a store, standing up all day in stiletto platforms. I guess if you are at that level of hotness, you can. Bitch. Yeah, I only said that because I'm jealous and she's perfect.

I know, I haven't blogged in a while. But, life does interfere with art...and what else can I describe my writing as...art? drivel? Well, love it or hate it, it's me. If you don't like it, you're only one click away from ignorance. LoL.

I'm in that kind of mood today. PMS is bliss.

Plug Rugs - Must Have Item of 2009

Saw this on the internet and thought to myself...man, if I had to be an ad writer for this person's products, I would make it as fucked up as the product itself.

Here's what my ad would say:

Punani be cold no more. Get the Plug Rug. This attractive yet useful fashion accessory keeps your tampons warm for those cold, winter, nights. No more will the walls of your vagina shrink and shiver in fright from the icy cold plastic of your tampon. Never fear, Plug Rug is here. Need to make a quick trip to the bathroom but don't want to haul your whole bag with you? Plug Rugs are perfect for disguising your tampon as you make a quick change. They take up almost no room in your purse and you'll be envied by your friends. Usually $5.00 but it can be yours today for the discount price of $4.00. Buy one for you and one for a friend. Get your Plug Rug today!

Hand made by women with nothing better to do than think up amazingly useless idea such as these...and they have the nerve to charge you 5 bucks a piece. Seriously one of the more fucked up things I've seen sold on the internet. If you really are interested in a Plug Rug, they can be found at www.etsy.com. Etsy has alot of great things, please don't let Plug Rug dissuade you from buying anything there, most people are not that strange...I hope.

Guys are like Burgers.

I don't know how or why this amazing revelation came to me, but they totally are. Go with me on this one.

Let's start with the McDonalds Hamburger Guy. Ladies, if your man is like a McDonald's Hamburger, put it back where you got it! Let's face it, McDonald's Hamburgers are not horrible, but they are kind of dry. They don't have any special sauce - only ketchup, mustard and a pickle. They are lacking at least one major component that makes a burger great - cheese. And really, these burgers are only fulfilling for children. This burger is like a dry, boring, guy that has nothing special about them that cannot be involved in a fulfilling relationship because he can only relate to children.

Then you have men who are like a McDonalds McDouble. They have a little extra meat. They have one cheese but are lacking enough to make them truly great. Again, no special sauce but at least they appeal to adults...cheap ass adults. McDonald's McDouble Guy is again, kinda dry, less boring than McDonald's Hamburger Guy, has some substance but not enough to be in a great relationship and he appeals to cheap women (of which I know many of you are not).

The Filet-o-Fish Guy, is a little different. I mean, it's not really a burger, but there are men that correlate well with the Filet-o-Fish. It doesn't really fit in and people only eat it on the Fridays of Lent that they can't have meat. It leaves a weird taste in your mouth and makes people kind of avoid talking to you face to face. It comes with sauce, but it's kind of tart. The Filet-o-Fish guy doesn't really fit in with most people and he is only good for a certain time period and then after they leave a kind of stale taste in your mouth. They're different, dry on the inside and tarty and acerbic on the out. All in all, not bad, but not good either.

Then we get the Big Mac. I mean this burger has it all. Special sauce, lettuce, cheese, multiple patties all stacked up into this one God of a burger. The Burger King Whopper is also akin to the Big Mac. These burgers have all the meat you want and veggies too. 2 for 1 bonus! The Big Mac Guy (BMG), truly is the ultimate in men. He is stacked - literally. He has many flavors, all of which are delicious. This man can, and will fulfill your needs. He tastes and smells good, and has a multi-faceted personality. Lucky you to have a BMG. Lose the dry burgers ladies, get a Big Mac, hunker down and enjoy it for all its worth.

I got my own BMG, mine has a little bit of jalapenos in it - just enough to make him spicy but not too much that I get burned. Mmmm mmmm good!

Delectable Dude Thursday - "Chocolate Football Hottie"

Reggie, reggie, bo beggie. Banana fana fo feggie. Fee fi mo meggie. REGGIE! C'mon ladies, just look at him in all his glorious hotness. It is okay to get a little excited, he is one smokin' hot brotha! Ok, so he's dated (is dating) Kim Kardashian. He hasn't married her yet. There is still a chance that you can snag this football god of ultimate hot hot hottiness. Well, we can dream of it anyway. I know Reggie occupies many a woman's dreams.

He's so hot and he seems to be a pretty normal, down to earth kind of guy. Very sweet and did I say he was hot? Oh yeah, I did, just checking.

Hot as Hell!!!!

I'm just griping here, but it's been fricken' hot as hell lately. Tradewinds, please come back. My room has been like a sweatbox for a prison over the past couple of nights and I literally feel like I want to punch something it's so damn hot. Air conditioning is one of the only reasons I look forward to coming to work in the morning. Yes, my job still sucks but at least I get free a/c. It is October already, why the hell is it not getting COOLER. The temperature on my fan just says "hell" instead of a number. Okay, maybe I'm being overly dramatic but I don't care, it's fricken' hot.

By the way, my nephew learned a new word...instead of just gidiot, he says "Fricken' gidiot cars" now. I thought my sister was going to choke the first time he said it. I thought it was totally hilarious but of course I had to give the whole, "Fricken is a bad word" speech. Shit, she should be happy I didn't say "Fucking" instead of "Fricken". I mean jeez, fricken isn't a bad word.

McD's Monopoly has started!

Yay, McDonald's Monopoly has started. I've never really won anything of value with McDonald's Monopoly...but you never know. That next french fries could be your ticket to a cool million. Hey, we don't have a lottery here in Hawaii, I don't have any immediate plans to go to Vegas and I'm jonesing. McDonald's Monopoly is as close as I'm gonna get to REAL gambling for a while. So, I have to eek every single vibe out of it that I can. The website is: www.playatmcd.com.

I'm so jealous, my sister is going to Vegas today. My grams and one of my good friends is in Vegas right now. :sigh: I need to stop thinking about Vegas...and you know what I'm going to do right after this, check the Hawaiian Air website to see what the flights are going at. I'm such a suckah!

Delectable Dude Thursdays - "Greek Baseball Hottie"

Baseball yum yum Nick Markakis is this week's hottie. Nick plays outfield for the Baltimore Orioles and boy, I love the way he handles his bat. He can hit a homerun with me anytime! Can he play ball you ask? Well, I don't fricken know, nor do I care. He's my "Greek Baseball Hottie" (in case there's other hotties in baseball that I feel the urge to worship). As I sit here moving side to side so that his piercing eyes in the last photo can follow my every move. Yeah, I know, I'm a complete weirdo, but you have to agree, Nicky-poo is hot, hot, hot!

Nyquil kicks Marijuana's Ass

Seriously, Nyquil is way better than marijuana. I had a major cold for the past week but this past Saturday, I swear I almost hacked a lung so I finally decided to turn to some medication. I asked my sister to go to the store and get me some cough medicine and she came back with Nyquil. Whatever. I don't think I've ever taken Nyquil before, and I don't like to take medication in general, but believe me, if you could have heard me, I definitely needed it. First, I read the dosage requirements and then the warning in small print says "Do not exceed more than 4 doses in a 24 period, as taking more than 4 doses could severely damage your liver." WTF? Why would they sell you this stuff if it causes liver damage? Helloooooo FDA. Shouldn't this shit be regulated or something. I mean jeez, any Tom, Dick or Harry could buy this off the shelf and you don't even have to be 21 years old!

I digress. So after weighing the pros and cons of potential liver damage (since I already drink too much alcohol as it is anyway) and coughing up my left lung, I decided to take one 15 ml dose. That shit was like a miracle. My chest felt better within the hour and the coughing was reduced to almost nothingness. I could still feel the congestion in my chest but it wasn't as irritating as it had been previously. Then, I lwent to lay down on my bed to do some reading and BAM, I was out like a light. I crashed for like 3 hours straight. Now why is it better than Marijuana...well, first it stopped my coughing, not made me cough more. 2nd, I didn't feel like eating a whole cow the whole time I was on Nyquil. 3rd, when I woke up from my Nyquil induced sleep, I didn't feel all in a daze like how one feels after sleeping from smoking weed (or so I've heard).

Damn, I'm hardcore...Nyquil is my drug of choice. Lol. I was just talking to my neighbor about drugs (cause he's a bus driver and he sees a lot of tweekers on his route). I was thinking, why, why do drugs like cocaine or crystal meth? Shit, I don't want to stay up for 3 days at a time and have no desire to eat. Eating and sleeping are in the top 3 things I like to do list. I get little enough sleep as it is, so I cherish my sleepy time. Stupid tweekers, eat a burger and catch some zzzz's. Gotta be better than picking at the scabs on your skin and pulling the hair out of your eyebrows! Just say no to drugs...unless it's Nyquil and you are hacking a lung.

Did you ever have a friend...

Growing up, I had this awesome friend. He was the person that I did the every single "first" bad thing with. The first time I got drunk was with him. I think the first time he smoked a cigarette was with me. The first time I saw a full on porno, was with him. And no, it wasn't pervy, it was all pretty horrifying at that age and we ended up throwing the thing in the bushes.

We both had other friends as we went through high school but he and I always hung in the same crowd. We both made other friends after high school but I knew that whenever I went home (he lived up the street from me) I could just pop in at his house and we would be teenagers all over again, talking like we had just seen each other the day before. I hope he knew that he could count on me anytime he needed anything. Whenever he came to Honolulu, we partied like there was no tomorrow.

He was so ballsy. I mean, when we were 12 years old, we used to take his parents BRAND NEW car and cruise around the neighborhood like it was normal. Like it wouldn't be weird to see 2 12 year olds driving a car around with paper plates. It's not like the people in the neighborhood didn't know us or how old we were! And yet, we never got caught. And even if we did, he would have been the one that would have been busted, not me. I feel like I rode the coattails of all the adventures we had as kids and he would always be the one taking all the risks and I kind of went along for the ride. He could make me laugh like no other person I knew and he often did.

Now, all I feel is regret. Regret that God didn't give me more time with him. Regret that I didn't go home more often and hang out with him. Regret that the last time I saw him, I opted not to go with him to a party with some other friends, but stayed home instead. Regret that the last time I spoke with him, I never told him what an awesome friend I thought he was and that he made growing up so much fun. I feel like I lost something too, I lost one of the best friends I ever had but am thankful for the memories I was blessed with.

Delectable Dude Thursdays - "Crime Drama Hottie"

Shemar, how do I love thee. Let me count the ways.
1. I'd like to lick hot chocolate off your mocha latte body and use my tongue to define your muscles. Whoa, did I really just say all that. HELL YEAH!
2. I could melt to oooey gooey nothingness over that smirky smile that you sometimes give.
3. I want to drown in those 2 perfect pools that other people just call eyes...I could go on and on about the countless ways that I adore this man. Double :sigh: Way too fricken' hot.

Ditzy Sister

My sister had a blonde moment yesterday. Either that or she leads a completely unexposed life. Yesterday, as we were driving in to work, this was our conversation:

Sis: What's a gyro? (she pronounced it gai-ro)

Me: It's not a gai-ro, it's a gyro. (prounced eu-ro)

Sis: Isn't a euro european money?

Me: :sigh: No, E-U-R-O is european money. G-Y-R-O is a greek food dish, you know, that thing in the picture in the sign that you just read.

Sis: Oh, hahahaha. So dumb.

Me: Yeah, so dumb that you just made it into my blog this week.

Sis: Great. Thanks. Now everybody's gonna know I said that.

Me: Uh yeah, pretty much.

On a side note, I got pretty drunk this weekend and I don't know how it happened. Well, of course I KNOW how it happened, but I didn't think I was that drunk until I laid in bed and it all started spinning around. Gotta love the Mai Tai bar. Keep those pitchers coming! Oh, and if you do go to Mai Tai and use the bathroom at Bubba Gump's, be really nice to the Nana that cleans the girls bathroom. She's a super sweet lady and cleans up after all you drunk bitches without a complaint. Remember, tipping is not just a city in China!

Love the Tattoo Style

I totally love the style of this tattoo. It's beautifully feminine but kind of deranged at the same time. I'm liking it! Gives me some ideas for the next tattoo...hmmm....

Delectable Dude Thursdays - "Crappy Reality TV Show Hottie"

My Antonio...doesn't totally suck but it's not something I wait with baited breath to watch. That is one very attractive italian man. I mean, admit it...he's a panty dropper. The perfect form to match that handsome, chiseled face. And that smile...:sigh: He is definitely the hottest man to ever hit reality TV which is why, I don't understand he can't find a good woman. I mean if Antonio Sabato Jr. can't find a good woman, what kind of chance do other normal, non-God-like people have?

What Your Drink Says About You - Sex on The Beach

SEX ON THE BEACH

Probable Hobby:
Very literally, having sex on beaches.

What Your Drink Says:
"I am [between the ages of 18 and 20/40 and 45], and I order drinks with provocative names because I haven't experienced sex [ever/in a while]. I am under the mistaken belief that potential sexual partners will [be turned on/take pity on me] upon hearing the word 'sex' in conjunction with my drink order. I am [very/extremely/mind bogglingly] lonely."

(stole this from http://www.cracked.com/)

Heck No Gidiot!

I have a very adorable 2 year old nephew who has been, um, picking up my bad language habits. My sister says its all my fault but I never had to censor myself before so sometimes it's super difficult to watch what I say. The other day, I was driving in traffic and of course I have road rage so I called a car that cut into my lane an idiot. Next thing I know, the little runt in the back is asking me, "Aunty, that car was a gidiot?" I had to bust out laughing but I said "Yeah, it was." I didn't know if I should have told him not to say the word at all or should I have corrected him on the pronounciation. The whole child rearing thing is really complicated. Not that I'm rearing him but I do have to watch over him every afternoon so that's as close to motherhood as I want to get right now.

Some of the doozies that my nephew has been heard repeating (all from my careful instruction of course).

Heck No! - he doesn't in this cutesy 2 year old kinda high pitched voice that you just have to laugh when you hear it...unless it's when you ask him if you can have a gummi bear and he says Heeeeckkkk No! super-loud and repeatedly.

Peace Out Homie - he's 1/4 black so gotta get him rollin' w/the ebonics

Peace! - w/the 2 finger peace sign.

Wassup playa! - again, he's 1/4 black. LoL.

Deuces - again w/the 2 fingers up.

Brah, you like cracks? - ummm yeah, he's naughty so he gets threatened with spanking a lot. So sometimes, he repeats the phrase to other people.

Toodleloo - eh, I hang around with muffs too so sometimes the mahu language comes out.

Shaka to your tutu - don't ask me where the hell I got this from, but when my neighbor heard him saying it the other day, he had to bust out laughing because his daughter called him a "Rotten Buggah" the day before that. He said we have to pass our literary language on to the young'uns.

Damn Kid - like I said, he's naughty! He called my sister a damn kid the other day. It was super funny.

I'm sure as the days pass, he'll pick up even more, worse slang from me. Stay tuned!

Interesting Cat Tattoo!

Yeah, I mean what more can you say about this tattoo except...wow. That guy is ballsy. So if he starts developing more of a beer belly...the hole gets bigger and bigger. He must have lost a bet or something...because that is kinda jacked!

You get wipes?

I just found out that N may not be joining the party because she has these anxiety attacks and so she doesn't want to be stuck on the plane with nowhere to go and flip out. I personally would be highly entertained by her wiggin' out on the plane...makes me sound like a horrible friend but you know what, it would be super funny after the fact. She's only 33 years old and she's like a damn walking medical problem. She has the anxiety and then sometimes she has hard time breathing and then there was that one time she had this ringing in her ear. It was a constant ring so she tried that ear candling thing and then she felt like her ear was stuck, so she had to go to the doctor. It just so happens the doctor had like a nurse's aide in her office that N thought was hot and surpriiiise, he was the one who had to assist her. He made her hang her head over the sink so he could rinse her ears out and lo' and behold, what came out, some pieces of black waxy looking crap. Yeah, ear candling, sounds mental now yeah?!

Come to think of it, N also went to the doctor one time thinking that she only had to go for blood test and when the cute guy handed her the gown she was like, what the hell is this? He said, uh, you have a gynecology appointment. She was like, oh shit, can I go home and take a shower first and he said, I don't think you have time. So then she asked him, oh, you guys have wipes or something I can use before my appointment. Hello, why don't you put a big sign on your forehead that says "I have stink ching ching".

She isn't the smoothest operator, but even after all that, he did go out with her a couple of times until she started avoiding his kisses and was yucked out by him. SHE was yucked out by HIM and she was the one that wanted the wipes. Go figure.

Delectable Dude Thursday - "The Biggest Pinoy Ever" Hottie

Is this man not the largest filipino you ever saw? Damn, damn, damn...that is a whoooole lot of man. Yes, this man is part filipino. You never thought they made filipino guys that big huh? Me neither so imagine my shock that Batista, a man I found quite...large and in charge, was filipino.

Ok, for those of you what are wrestling retarded, the displayed specimen this week is Batista from WWE wrestling. His real name is David Michael Bautista, Jr. He is 39 years old and is a former World Heavyweight Champion in the WWE.

You know, imagine if his man-package is as big as the rest of him. Holy smokes, that would be like the anaconda from the move Anaconda. You could curl up with his man package at the end of a long day and it would rub your head. Uggh, totally gross visual.

I know, some of you are going to give me shit about this weeks man candy but you know what, I don't give an anaconda's ass, cause this is my blog and I think he's grrrrowl. And, he looks like he could actually lift my fat ass up. :)

Oh and last but not least, if you do not have a body even somewhat close to the man pictured above, do not EVER, EVER, EVER wear a speedo. Don't even think about wearing a speedo. There you go, your lesson for today.

Fave Beer: Amber Bock

Oh, Amber Bock, it was only 5 or so years ago that we met and it was love at first taste. I remember my first taste of it. We were seated on some shitty bar chair at Magoo's on a hot Friday night drinking Bud Light. Magoo's was our favorite Friday night hangout. $5 pitchers of Bud Light, awesome pizza and french fries. A mixture of all ages in probably the diviest bar in town. (I actually saw a skinny guy fall because the legs of his chair just bent and broke off, that's how high class the furniture is, can you imagine the rest?) They probably had the most craptacular bathrooms that would flood so bad it would leak out of the bathroom and onto the bar floor where people were sitting of course. You'd think with a description like that, I'd hate Magoo's but it was probably my favorite dive bar/pizza parlor.

It was in this pristine setting that we were sitting at a table next to these two guys that were drinking a pitcher of dark beer. Me, being the completely anti-social type said "Excuse me, excuse me" while waving my hand in the air. "What are you drinking? Is it good? How much is it?" One of the guys said, "It's Amber Bock. It's awesome and it's only $6.00. Would you like to try some." I said "Shoots!" Who am I to turn down free beer?

After the first taste, it was all over. The beer was so smooth and yummy as it hit my tongue and slid down my throat. Who ever would have thought that a dark beer would taste so smooth, so bitter free. Love I tell you, it was love at first taste.

On another side note, one of those guys that was sitting there was pretty attractive - tall, white and handsome. He had a steady job at the bank. He had good hygiene and was dressed good enough - not too ghetto but not gay fabulous - the happy in between medium. The best part of all, he had the balls to ask my friend, I'm not gonna say her name...DEBRA...for her number and if she'd like to go out. She gave him her number and then completely gave him the shaft after that. He seemed like a good catch and she was just way too much of a panty to take a chance.

Today's lessons: Amber Bock is the bomb diggity and when a cute boy asks you for your number and to go out - don't be a fricken' scared panty - go out on at least one damn date or you'll be kicking yourself in the ass later.

Don't Buy Discount Goldfish

The other day was Tevita's birthday (friend's kid) and he had told us that he wanted a pet for his birthday. His mom would never let him have a dog or cat so he said he wanted a fish. His mom still said no animals...but I'm an aunty, we can't let a little thing like rules prevent us from spoiling the kids.

Anyways, I was hunting down books on Saturday morning at garage sales (yes I know, I'm completely book chronic right now) and I went to a garage sale in Manoa. Unfortunately, there were no books but they were selling two goldfish in separate tanks for only 5 bucks. I called my friend and said that I was coming over with part of her kid's birthday present. When he saw the fish, he was soooo excited. They named him Panyo after some movie and he really seemed to have enjoyed the present. This was on Saturday.

On Sunday evening after his birthday party, my cell phone is ringing with his mom's number. As soon as I say "Hello", I hear a frantic kid's voice on the other line yelling "Aunty, the fish died, Panyo died, the fish is dead. When we came home from the party he was DEAD!!!" I thought he was messing with me and so I asked him to talk to his mom. His mom comes on the phone and said, "Yep, the fish is dead. He's traumatized" Then she proceeds to bust out laughing. I was like, shut the hell up. I did tell her to stop laughing but she couldn't help it, she was busting a gut.

I felt sooooo bad. I told her to tell him that I would take him to the pet store to get another fish or a couple of fish. Full price this time! No more busted ass, discount, garage sale fish.

***Update. I spoke with my other friend, the kid's aunty and she said that on Sunday night, he was sitting in the living room all sad. When she told him I would buy him a new fish he said that he didn't want one because he couldn't take care of it. He said that the fish died because he wasn't home to feed it lunch and since he has school, he can't give the fish lunch everyday. I am the worst aunty in the world. Maybe a super duper banana split with a gajillion cherries on top will fix it. I am seriously wracked with guilt. I've traumatized a 6 year-old FOREVER. Damn that garage sale fish!

Moke-bonics...The New Pidgin'

I was talking to a local attorney I know...let's call him Mad Tiger (one of these days I'll post the Mad Tiger Jiu-jitsu Blog)...and we somehow got on the subject of how local guys talk. I'm talking like a full on loco shmoko kind of guy. What is loco shmoko you ask? Let me drop some knowledge for you. In MY Dictionary, loco shmoko is a guy that is sooo local, you can't just call them a moke, they're a loco shmoko. See, you learn something new everyday.

There are more than a few things that loco shmoko guys say that really, can only be understood by local people. If you're a transplant that's been living here for a long time but you only hang out with non-locals, you wouldn't understand either. Loko shmoko guys have their own language, it's called Moke-bonics. It's like an english dialect but can be difficult to understand if you're not familiar with it. Lemme give you some pointers.

Brah, braddah, bull, cuz, bullay (mokebonics) = homie, bro (ebonics) = dude (surfbonics) = friend (english).

Spahk (mokebonics) = Peep (ebonics) = see (english)
ex. Ho cuz, you when spahk dat chick ovah dea? (mokebonics)
Wassup homie, did you peep that honey? (ebonics)
Hey Alfred, that sure was an attractive woman over there. (Dork English)

No make (mokebonics) = Don't play (ebonics) = Don't do that (english)

If can, can, but if no can, no can (mokebonics) = There is really no ebonic equal to this that I'm aware of - but just means if you can do it, please do but if you can't then it's ok too.

That's all the knowledge I've got for today. My brain hurts now. I need a beer...but not a green bottle. ;)

Flipper Tits

I went to my friend's kid's soccer game yesterday...I am totally NOT soccer mom material. First of all, it was hot as fricken hell and then, there were so damn much kiddy family stuff. Man, can't even smoke a cigarette in peace. I'm sure the plethora of tattoos I possess makes me seem like a sideshow freak...just the way I like it.

There was this one lady that was acting like...super mom. She was about 40 and had about 3 or 4 kids and she was NOT wearing a bra. Her tits were flapping around like flipper on crack. C'mon lady, how can you not feel those things slapping your sides and stomach. The only boobs that should be allowed unfettered in public should be ones that were made by Dupont.

Remember, Flipper was cute but flipper tits are not.

N-H-O

If you don't know what NHO is, it is a Nipple Hard On. I have this one co-worker and his nips are perpetually hard. He always wears these fast dry microfiber type Nike golf shirts. The damn things are so thin that we can always tell he's cold or excited. I'm not the only one that noticed the nips, everyone is always asking him, "What brah, you cold?" I'm going to buy him some breast pads so he can tape them over his nipples. The damn things are distracting I tell you.

Since we're on the topic of man nips, I had a friend in college and he had a 3rd nipple. Totally freaky. We used to call him triple nipple. I would always introduce, "This is my friend E, he has 3 nipples. You like see?" He kind of hated that, but then again, those people never forgot E of the 3 nipples.

Super Cool Spidey Tatt!

Just wanted to share a tattoo with you that I saw on the internet. How fricken cool is that? I don't even know what this guys face looks like but I'd do him.

Delectable Dude Thursday - The Rapper Hottie

Ladies Love Cool J and believe me...this lady does! I know a few ladies that are married that have agreements with their husbands that they'd get a free pass if they were to have an affair if it was LL Cool J that they were having an affair with! Can you imagine, you get LL all to yourself. The things I'd do to that man is completely making me sweaty right now.

From his extremely luscious, sexy lips. Look at those lips ladies, how could you not want that on your body. LL also probably has the hottest and most recognizable abs in the U.S. I'm just imagining what my fingers would be like rubbing down that washboard stomach. Sweating more. Hope you enjoyed this weeks hot guy...I'm going to take a very, very cold shower.

Phrases for My Tombstone

There are many sayings that I notice come out of my mouth. Some nice, some not so nice. I'm just previewing some for you because...well, basically half the shit that comes out of my mouth is stoooopid. LoL.

"Shut the hell up." - This usually happens when someone says something dumb and then I get annoyed. Another scenario is if someone told me something super scandalous and I just can't believe it. My co-worker said that this was going to be one of the phrases on my tombstone.

"Hell no!" - He said that this was going to be the other phrase on my tombstone. I guess I use it so much, my 2-year old nephew has been saying it...well the better version - heck no, but still, we all know the source. I'm pretty much the source for most of his bad language.

"I really want to punch your face right now." - It's possible that I have agressiveness and anger issues but it doesn't seem to bother me anyway. This saying usually emerges when someone irritates me...which happens alot.

"You are so fricken dumb." - or stupid. I say this because sometimes, the people I know are so fricken dumb or stupid. Yes, you, reading this blog. I love you anyway, but you still are so fricken dumb sometimes.

That's all I have for now because I should be working and yet I blog. Oh for the love of blog.

Die L-O-L Smiley Face

I really, really hate that song L-O-L Smiley Face. What the fricken hell? That song sucks donkey balls. Excuse me while I smash the clock radio in front of me. I'd rather have a Po-po-po-poker face, po-po-poker face. Ha! I made a funny. I'm so fricken dumb.

Soul Signature Tattoo Rocks!!!! Pt. 2

Yay! Finished my tattoo. I love it. The colors are awesome and you can't even see (right now) what was underneath. Jesico did an awesome job as usual and also as usual, much hilarity going on at the tattoo parlor. I love that place. I do have one more touch up session in a month or two. Bring on the pain. Now I can't wait to figure out what I'm getting next. Thanks Jesico of Soul Signature Tattoo for the mucho awesome tattoo, thanks Javier for the best birthday present ever and thanks Tin for singing butterfly on my shoulder so that the damn song was stuck in my head all day.

Almost a Can of Whoopass

The other night, there was a couple in my neighborhood that were going at it...no pervs, not oofing, they were fighting. It seemed like it happened in rounds. I would hear yelling, than nothing for a couple minutes, then a lot of yelling and then nothing. Actually, I could only hear the girl yelling. I'll recap the conversation for you and I'm :beep:ing out the swear words...because it was ALOT of swearing, even for me. I'm making up what I think the guy was saying because I couldn't hear him at all.

conversation code: duck = fuck

Guy: Uh hon, I gotta tell you something. You know that discoloration on my boto yesterday, uh, well, I think it's an STD.
Girl: What?! And who the duck you was ducking you ducken asshole.
Guy: Babe, no get all nuts. Was long time ago and I was all drunk. Remember that night I went out with Kimo them, when we was beefing and you when sleep at yo madda's house?
Girl: Oh, so what? You go out with Kimo them and we fighting so you think you can duck odda
chicks? Hah you duckah. Who the duck is that ducken bitch. Wot, you still talk to her you ducken asshole? You one ducken mother ducken asshole, you know that?
Guy: Hon, she neva mean nothing to me. Was only that one time, I swear. I love YOU and I don't even know who that chic was. I was all :beep:en bus' that night that I don't know what I was doing.
Girl: (getting even more heated now) Duck you you ducken stupid motha ducken asshole motha duckah! Why you no call that :beep:(she used the c word that you never call a girl that rhymes with hunt) and be with her then hah? You like duck that dirty bitch. Stick your dirty, rotten, discolored :beep: (c word for male body part that rhymes with dock) in that ducken bitch.
Guy: Babe, I'm sorry. I love you. (tries to hug her)
Girl: Get the duck off me. Duck you. Duck you and duck you!

...then the popo came and that was the end of the fighting. I don't think I have what they said verbatim but you get the gist. I had to turn off my bedroom light so they wouldn't see me standing by the window listening. I wasn't the only one, my neighbor told me he did the same thing.

How's us? So damn niele. Too bad, I couldn't help myself, it was almost better than TV. Almost.

Won a Trip to Vegas - Need a Girl to Oof

That is the what I'm advertising on here. Before you get all grossed out, it's not for me. It's for a fricken dumb but nice in a sarcastic way friend. He did actually win a trip to Vegas, lucky bastard. So when I asked him who he was going to take, he said "I dunno, I need a date." I told him to take this girl that is one of his good friends and he said, "I want to take somebody I can hump." I was actually speechless for 2 seconds. Yes, a whole 2 seconds, can you believe it? I had to do a double take and ask him to repeat himself.

I tried my hardest to convince him to take someone who is just a friend. If he takes a humping girl, then he has to stay with that humping girl the WHOLE time. He can't do anything he wants to do because cmon, face it. Guys are a slave to the punani. They really are. I told him that if he went with friends, he could find a humping girl or 2 or 3. **Disclaimer - I do not always promote whorish behavior. I only promote it sometimes.** He wasn't buying my shtick so I told him I'd promote his cause on my blog.

So, if you know any attractive, smart, single women that like kids, please send them to Pauahi Tower downtown at about 11:30 a.m. He'll be taking applicants all week next week in the courtyard area. Just look for the guy with the sign around his neck that says, "Like Oof?"

You Got the Right Stuff Baby!

I can't get that damn New Kids on the Block song out of my head. I don't know why I'm even thinking about it, it's not like a I saw some VH1 special on them or anything like that. NKOTB was my first concert I went to without the 'rents. Can you believe it? It was NKOTB, Escape and BBC. Oh God, now the song "Sweet Okole" is stuck in my head. Sweet okole, sweet, sweet okole. LMAO.

I know every one of you had a favorite, and I have to admit, I was totally gaga over Jordan Knight. I am soooo embarassed to admit to a short-lived NKOTB obsession. I bought all the magazines - Bop and Tiger Beat. God, I was so fricken' gay!

I am so above that now, I don't buy magazines, I just google image hot guys and drool all over my keyboard. And no, it's not NKOTB anymore...jeez, did you not see Tatum Channing in the last post!

Delectable Dude Thursdays - "I Want to Have Your Babies" Hottie!!

I had a friend that used to send out emails to his other skebe, lecherous friends. He used to call those emails Girl Friday and he would send out a picture of some random hot girl. I find that totally piggish and gross...so to fight back, I've officially renamed Thursday - Delectable Dude Thursday. I had also considered the title "Guys I Would Cheat For Thursday" but I thought that would be a bit pushing it. Since I already posted that blog about Thiago Silva last week Thursday, I decided that we might as well make it a routine Thursday thing...until I get bored of it of course (which could be by next week).

As you can see, our delectable dude today is all that and a bag of chips. Don't you just want to wash your clothes on his abs. I would so like to do more than that to him. The man is sexy, sexy, sexy and more sexy with a cherry on top. Can he act? Uh...who cares...he's fricken hot! Don't you want to just bite his plump, succulent, juicy lips...amongst other things.

Tatum Channing is my "I want to have your babies" hottie. Yes, this man could make some seriously beautfiul children and a very happy baby mama. It just seems like he knows his way around the bedroom and with those dancing skills, he could do a strip tease for me anytime. Tatum...a girl can dream can't she?